October 16, 2009

Assignment for my class. Thought I'd share

I’ve never been deathly allergic of anything, that I know of. When I was younger there was a small part of me that would get jealous over people saying “I’m allergic to nuts” “I’m allergic to dogs”. I could touch dogs, cats, flowers and eat all sorts of nuts. I was playing with two of my best friends one day when we decided to make lunch. Raman Noodles was the lunch of choice, and I didn’t want those. Two out of three votes meant we were going to eat them anyway. I don’t know if I knew the definition of allergic; sensitivity to certain foods or objects, causing reactions such as swelling, puffy eyes, coughing and sneezing. My dad has hay fever. I told my friends Mom that I was allergic to Raman Noodles. She gave me an odd look. On the plus side I didn’t have to eat them.

I’ve always wondered why we as humans crave what we don’t have. A naturally curly haired girl loading on the skinny shampoo and conditioner, adding in the straightening gel before blow drying, flat ironing the beautiful curl, and topping it off with some gloss. Viola! The truth about her curls is hidden, until it rains, or she wakes up late and doesn’t have time to go through the de-curling process. Perfectly healthy young women seek to have the “perfect body”. They put themselves through extreme diets, idolize models and stars. There are neighbors trying to ‘one up’ each other with the newest televisions [HDTV!! I don’t own a t.v.], atvs, boats, cars, wives, children’s success, job success etc. Then there is the young 10 year old girl that just wants to have some type of allergy, to anything!

“Be careful what you wish for”. Why does that phrase hold such a negative connotation? There is a belief that I hold dear to my heart: Karma. I believe that what you wish, hope, dream or desire will eventually come true. If one is consciously making an effort and keeping a good attitude they will become an author [me?], a wife, a mother, a teacher, etc. What about bad Karma? Should we be careful what you wish for?

I was in a very nasty car accident at the beginning of this year. I fell asleep at the wheel while driving on the free way. I drifted off the road, onto the frozen snowy side, and at 60 mph I came to a dead stop when my car hit a dead tree, smack dab in the middle. Even with my seat belt on [back then there was a 50/50 chance I wasn’t wearing one] I sustained multiple head injuries, minor concussion, my leg was jammed, my body was in complete shock. I thank God for a few things, one being angels. If I hadn’t worn my seatbelt I would have surely been extracted through the front windshield and I may have had horrendous injuries or possibly not breathing at all. I also thank him for sending me a few to keep me calm.

I don’t remember much, I barely remember hitting the tree, in the back of my head I recall hands reaching in, talking to me. “What’s your name? What day is it? What hurts more your head, or your knee?” I felt the warm blood on my head, I couldn’t feel my leg. All I remember saying in response was “I’m Cold”. In the hospital I remember being pricked and prodded. “I need water” I said repeatedly, and I was still cold. They had retrieved my phone and asked if they should call anyone. I told them to call Radison. He was a few hours away on a school assignment, but he was the last person I talked to before the accident. I was very coherent at this point, even though I could barely feel anything but an icy chill, and thirst. My parents were too far away. I remember thinking “The burtons. Gideon doesn’t teach today, and Karen has the day off of school”.

I was sufficiently calm, and even aggravated that I hadn’t gotten water, but over all I was managing. Then I saw a familiar face, my best friends Dad came near my bed. Thus began the water works. Karen showed up next, my two sisters and eventually my mom.

Months later when I was talking with my Mom one day (She sometimes still brings it up) she asked “Do you know why you got in your accident? Sometimes we create situations in our lives” Did I wish for this to happen? Was this bad Karma? Payment? A lesson from God? I do believe if we have a negative attitude in life then not too many good things will happen, and I’m sure bad Karma exists. We all carry certain energy, good or bad. Payment for my sins? I doubt it. I think more likely it was a lesson that God wanted to teach me rather than him thinking “Oh she stole that piece of candy, and lied about a food allergy, she is going to get it”. Really though, the truth of it all, can I have a moment of silence before I reveal? It’s JUST LIFE and in life, things happen. I definitely didn’t ‘create’ or wish for a horrific accident in my life, it just happened. Some people blame God when tragedy hits. Or they ask, why me? Why me? Whether God makes certain things happen in life for a reason is up to you. I know he can be there for you. He has often answered my silent prayers. I’ve never blamed him when things such as car accidents or family members get sick. Learn from it, move on, and make life better is what I say.

A good friend of mine lent me a book that was about the basic beliefs of Buddhism. Buddhist believes that everything in life is connected, and therefore there is no beginning, or end. I don’t celebrate birthdays for myself, I celebrate Continuation Days. It makes sense I promise. I was born, physically, in May. If I were to really celebrate my ‘birth’ we would have to go to the day I was first conceived. The line continues however. My parents were physically born and conceived as well. It is all continuous. Everything in life is connected. I use paper, as a writer and lover of notebooks, nearly everyday. There were machines used to make the paper, was the paper recycled? Did someone else once use my new paper as a letter to a friend? A shopping list? A doodle pad? Where did the paper originally come from? How did that tree come about to grow? Did someone plant it? Was it an older tree? The soil nourishes it, the sun and rain helped it to grow. Life is a huge continuation. I don’t think I could live as a Buddhist, but they have great values that I think should be incorporated in everyone’s lives. We all need a little bit of peace in our lives, and Buddhism offers it.

For me Nature has always been a part of me that keeps my sanity. I do my best to appreciate the little things. I love the days when the weather is perfect for jackets. I’m a jacket addict, but that’s beside the point. When the rain softly falls, bringing that clean smell, and the tree’s drip with the moisture. The air itself isn’t cold, and you can actually stand to be outside. Moments like these put my life in a standstill. I could be walking to my car and forced to be in the rain. It’s the rain that calms me; especially on the days I need it. The days when I want to cry, the skies cry for me. When I need to smell something fresh, as opposed to the polluted norm, the enticing smell of rain soothes me. I’m glad I’m not allergic to the rain. There has to be a God up in heaven. I’ve read a few accounts of people who have ‘died’ and experienced heavenly encounters. Most all of them say they either felt a man present, or were greeted by a man. God is male, that’s what I’m trying to say. God also knows us intimately. God knows when I need to smell the rain, or when I need to glance up at the lush green mountains, or the white powdered streets. God knows how to protect me with his angels. God didn’t give me any known allergies. God created us to be who we are, and yet, we still secretly desire what we don’t have. Silly isn’t it? I’m very guilty of it.

I desperately tried my whole high school career to ‘fit in’. I dressed a certain way, only talked to certain people, and always worried that I would never be popular. I am happy to say that I broke out of that near the end of my Senor year. I decided to be myself, dress how I wanted, talk to whomever I pleased, and like whichever boys suited me. I used to blame my low self esteem on high school and the things related; popularity, looks, or cliques. As time has passed I still don’t have the happiest memories of high school. To me it was a place full of low self esteem and put me downs. I thought I’d gotten over it though. The past year my self confidence has yet again been shattered. I’m not trying to be anyone other than myself, and as I search for what is the cause all I have to do is look in the mirror. My insecurities may be somewhat justified, but I blame no one in particular. I try to keep a positive attitude in hopes that eventually my desire to accept myself for who I am will surface.


October 05, 2009

Part 3

Last week I lost my job. I would be more worried if I hadn't already paid my rent. I'm worried though, the job market is basically null. I've gone job hunting everyday, smoked everynight. My Mom has been trying to call me the past few days, we haven't talked to each other in months, not since she found out about the drugs. I haven't touched coke since, but man do I crave it at times. Its hard trying to live up to an older sibling. Trish is the perfect daughter. She never gave my parents a moment grief. We're only 3 years apart. I moved out by the time I was 15. Luckily my Mom's sister loved me enough to take me in. I worked hard all year to pass my Gen Eds(which isn't too difficult) and then started some college courses. I had too much fun partying though, and my Aunt got married. So it was back to the parents, sneaking around, getting high. My mom basically kicked me out be the time I was 17.

Seth isn't into hard drugs, which I guess is good for me. He goes to school part times, works full time at a skate shop. I should try and be a little bit more focused with my life, but I'm not. I've never been a huge religious person. I can't deny a Divine being or power, it makes sense that there is a higher energy. One thing I do believe in, is Karma. So maybe since I don't care about really anything with life..life doesn't care about me. Life favored my sister, its not like I strived for attention. What if I tried to start caring about..anything.

I rode my bike over to Seth's apartment. Another day of useless job hunting. With the economy places were never hiring. I felt completely down. I walked into his front room and kicked off his shoes. His roomate, Kyle, was chilling on the sofa.

"Hey Alex. Looking for Seth?" He said, looking me up and down.
"Yeah. I assume he's not home yet?"
"No. Want to hang out until he gets hom?" he looked at me greedily. I had already picked up my pace to his bedroom.
"I think I'll just wait in his room" I walked into Seth's room and closed the door. I found our stash and rolled a J. I heard a knock on the door. "Come in"
"I was going to say, if you ever want, you know, more than the green I'd gladly help." It was tempting
"I don't have money." I said. The pot was making my body tingle.
"I take other forms of payment" he said. I wanted to puke. Kyle was disgusting. I knew exactly what he wanted. I heard the front door open, Seth, thank God.
"Hey baby. Sorry I was late" he said, pushing Kyle to the side and closing the door behind him. "Any luck with a job?"
"No" I said sadly.
"You'll find work. If you need, you can stay here for a bit". That sounded nice, minus Kyle. He kissed me softly on the lips, and soon both of us were yet again tangled in each other. I felt very safe in his arms.

October 02, 2009

Part 2

Seth rolls us a joint as his long hair droops in front of his face. Thats what attracted me to him when we first met. We were at the same venue one night, Red, listening to local bands. I watched him as he played with his band. He was so amazing at the guitar. I was outside smoking a cigarette when he came up to me, asking for a lighter. We got along right away.

I'm craving the high. It makes my head stop spinning, I feel weightless, completely happy. I'm just itching to inhale the thick smoke, let it take me to the unkown! Seth has been good to me. We've only been together about a month so we are still getting to know each other.

"Here Alex, you start" he hands me the J. I don't feel guilty taking in a few hits. I actually contributed funds to the bag. We passed it back and forth until it was gone.

It was the weekend, and that meant zero amount of sober time. My stumach grumbled, but I just popped some gum in my mouth, helps with the dry mouth. Seth started kissing me, nearly taking my breath away. His hands found their way under my shirt, exploring all around. His touch was so warm, and also very electrifying. I copied him, tracing the muscles on his chest, abs, hips. We hadn't made love yet, but the thought of being intimate with him made my heart pound wildy. As though it was instinct, I slowly pulled his shirt up over his head. He did the same with me. When our bare skin touched it was though some magnetized energy went between us. Our bodies moved naturally as we wrapped ourselves into each other.

We cuddled close together. I felt beautiful in his strong arms. I didn't want to lose this moment.

"Alex, you have the most beautiful eyes." I felt the butterflies as he kissed my forehead.
"Has anyone ever told you that you have the most amazing body?" I asked him. He chuckled. My stomach growled loudly.
"Are you hungry?"
"Not really." I was used to eating little. My money went to bills, gas, drugs, and sometimes food. I sat up and loaded up a bowl, this was all I needed.


September 26, 2009

A possible story in the works

How bad is your life? Have you really thought about it? What do you have to deal with that would make you so low?

Do you have food? Do you have clothes?

Of course you have clothes. You're crying over the shirt that doesn't fit just right, or the pants that now have a hole. You're picky with the meal your mom has made you.

What about the kids in Africa? Starving. Naked.
What about the countles number of families whose parents have lost a job. Hungry.
I am guilty. I am selfish. And my tears of sadness aren't helping me or anyone else.

I never knew what it felt like to worry about when my next meal would be, until I found myself so broke I was living out of a coin jar. I walk across the street to the grocery store. The man at the bakery sees the hunger in my eyes. "I only have two dollars, what can I buy?" He gives me an extral roll. The next week he sells me a slice of bread "Not too big" I say. This morning he gives it to me for free. Does he know how much that slice means? Does he know this is probably going to be my only meal for the day?
I pull 25 dollars out of the bank. For food? Of course not. Its for the drugs. If I pulled it out for food I'd spend it all too fast. At least the drugs will pass the time until my next pay check. My boyfriend offers to buy me food, I decline. I sneak food now and then. I've thought about going to restaruants and just leaving without paying. I'm too stubborn to ask for help. Life isn't about anything but survival these days.

September 21, 2009



The tossing
the turning. Body is exhausted
mind is racing
listing tasks
thinking ahead
"sleep, sleep, sleep" you tell yourself
eyes are open, wider than ever
alarm already?
didn't dream
doesn't mean you couldn't have caught
at least a little bit of
beauty. rest
get dressed, brush teeth
concealor under the eyes, powder evens the compection
cat eyed liner, appearing to look awake
in 2 hours you know
you're going to crash

September 13, 2009

Topic of Discussion: Anything

Topic of Discussion: Anything

We’d often sit together topic of discussion:
Anything would equal endless amount of time.
The time? 4:00 in the morning and you’d drive home.
“I’m home safe, sleep well”. I would always be reassured.

Sometimes, though not often, we wouldn’t be so happy
I was mad at you for this
Or that.
That wasn’t the best time and I still feel sad for it was wasted

Often enough you’d hold my hand
But I’d want you to keep holding
Holding on to distant memories
“I still hope” a whisper you’d say
Memories are often like a dream

Were you a dream? Was I just sleeping
I sleep alone and you’re so far
I don’t know to “sleep well”
I don’t know if you’re always okay

So now I wait
Waiting and waiting the time soon comes again
Again we’ll be able to talk
Will it be as often? More often?
Will you tell me “I’m home safe, sleep well”?
Will I wake up in the morning knowing
I’ll see you soon?


September 12, 2009

Rough Draft: not yet titled

I gazed into the mirror, a face was looking back at me; hallow cheeks, dark blue eyes somewhat sunken in, and I had to touch my cheek to make sure it was me. A tear began to form in my eye, but I quickly wiped it away. There was no point in crying anymore. I’d done enough the past few months, they’d gotten me no where. My damp wavy hair sent a cold chill as it touched my shoulders; I pulled it up into a high pony tail. I’d never been in love with my hair. I used to straighten it almost everyday, but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d even tried to impress someone.
I returned to my bed, my homework spread on top of my spider-man blanket. Childish? Maybe. It reminded me of home, when I was happer. I’d saved the worst of the homework for last, math; not that I didn’t like it; it just took the most time. I’d done well in all my college classes, continuing my good study habits I lreaned in high school. I sat down and leaned against the wall, pulled my knees to my chest and rested my chin on my knees. I felt lost, completely alone. Things at changed so much.

It started the summer I graduated. I had just gotten a new job at a local clothing store. I was working as many hours as I could, just in case I needed the money when I moved away. I’d gotten a full ride scholarship, it paid for everything. My parents were pleased.
“Madeline you work every weekend” Mark complained one day. Mark had been my boyfriend for two years. “I’ve hardly seen you since you got that job”
“I’m sorry babe, I’m just trying to save money.”
“For what? You know you don’t need to?” I glared at him when he said that. My parents had always helped me, and were willing to pay for college. I was trying to break away from that.
“You know I wish I could” I lied. Mark was a big fan of music, but I didn’t enjoy it quite as much. The thought of going to a concert, sweat, hot, smelling of beer and pot, was not appealing.
Two weeks later I found out Mark was cheating on me. I didn’t even know how to react. My parents had been indifferent toward Mark since we first started dating. Mom didn’t know how to comfort me, she gave me some money and told me to treat myself. I buried my feelings inward and started hitting the gym every night after work. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “He’d come back to me if I was as pretty as her”.
In High School I played volleyball and ran Track. I was always staying busy and active. Yet, since graduating I’d stopped most of my physical activity. I lost my muscle, gained a little weight, but I didn’t really think about it. They day the rumors about Mark started, and then night I confronted him, I was looking in the mirror, crying. It was the first time I really thought I was fat, and worthless. I convinced myself he dumped me because of my looks. What else had I done wrong?

I heard the door open, Mia entered. We smiled at each other.
“Hey how are you?” She said happily.

“Fine.” I said. Mia was gorgeous as always; her long blonde hair softly falling across one of her shoulders. She was more than that though. The best roommate I could have ever asked for, and she’d always been so nice to me. I trusted her more than anyone else.
“Are you sure Maddy? Have you been crying?” She always knew when I had been. “you know you can talk to me.”
“I know, thanks” I asaid as I looked around for my fleece blanket, a cold chill made the hairs on my arms raise up. I anticipated spring and summer weather, it had been a cold winter.

When I moved to college I was so relieved. I got to move to a new apartment and meet new friends. I got along with my roommates, enjoyed my classes. I got a new found attention from boys, something that never happened in high school. I was in the best shape of my life, and felt good about myself. I even ran into a couple of old high school class mates, “you look good Maddy!”
I went home for Thanksgiving, the first time I’d been home since moving away. My parents noted my weightloss, but with no concern. I ran into Mark at the mall during this time, “Wow look at skinny little you. How’s college..”
I just walked away. When I returned back to school I couldn’t get enough of the gym, I wasn’t over Mark. I ate less and less. I was at the lowest weight of my life, but I didn’t realize myself.

I looked around my room, I needed to warm my body up. I pulled on my thermals, leggings, sweatpants, sweater, scarf, hat, layer upon layer. I would probably regret it a few miles into my second run of the day.
“Mia have you seen my gloves?” I asked.
“Is it snowing outside?” She asked after seeing me dressed up. I laughed.
“No I’m going for a run.” She looked worried.
“Here” she handed me her soft black gloves. “Be careful though yeah? “
“Thanks Mia. Hey maybe you can read over my English paper later”
“Of course! Would you like me to make you some dinner?” She knew I’d probably say no, but she continued, “Its just that I haven’t seen you eat lately, and I know that you’ll probably have an easier time studying if you do. I’m not going to forced you..”
“Yes,” She stared at me in disbelief. “You’re right I’ll probably feel better with something in my system”
“What would you like?” She asked timidly.
“Something light, maybe vegetable soup,” 150 calories a cup, I thought to myself, I’d burn enough with this run.
“Okay, see you later! Don’t be gone too long.”

The spring air hit my lungs, so cold, it burned, but I didn’t stop running. I sang a random tune in my head to keep my mind off things. Running was my escape. It reminded me of the night my parents confronted me with my ‘problem’.

It was a few days after Christmas, an odd one at that. I’d been very distant from my parents; going on long walks outside, or reading in my bedroom. They had bought me plenty of nice gifts, I gave them my thanks. I was packing up my things; I’d be going back to school in a couple days when Mom knocked on my door.
“Come in” I said without looking up.
“Maddy,” she hesitated, “Can I talk to you?”
In my mind I thought it was a rather stupid question, my parents were always great at avoiding confrontation. Had a bad hair day? Here is 50 dollars. Lost a volleyball game? Go to a movie, host a party. Got dumped? Here is my credit card, grab a girlfriend, go get food, a new top. They had given me everything I needed, materialistic anyway.
“Sure Mom what is it?” I said shortly.
“Its about, well, your weight.” I finally looked up at her, with a blank stare, I couldn’t believe it, “Do you have a problem?”
“No.” I said defensively. “I’ve just finished my first exams, and a new semester is about to start.”
She cut me off. “You hardly ate this whole break. Don’t think your Dad and I haven’t noticed.”
“So what? You can’t congratulate me on excelling with my grades, but this? You can talk to me about this? What are you going to do? Buy me some weight?” I grabbed my tennis shoes and stormed out of the room. I had very little clothes on, but I ran into the cold winter. I didn’t return until dark. I packed the rest of my things and drove home that night.

I kept running, and thinking about the weeks ahead, I was studying hard as the end drew near. I wouldn’t know until after my final exams, but I was fairly confident in saying I’d aced my first year of college. Yet, I’d found myself even more distant from my parents, my friends, any boys. Anyone who mentioned anything about my weight these days received the cold shoulder. I’d gotten in multiple fights with all of my roommates, except Mia. They just didn’t understand. I kept running. “I will be perfect” I thought over and over again, with each pounding footstep. 85 pounds, but I didn’t see it, I could be thinner, I would be perfect. Something my parents would praise, something a boy would love. I knew nothing more now then to run, study, avoid food, and sleep.
I unexpectedly stumbled on some loose gravel, I caught myself before falling. I gazed ahead, refocus Maddy, what are your goals? My vision started to blur. My heart began erupting in pain, and I felt myself falling down, down, down…

I breathed in faintly, recognizing the smell; clean and sterile. There was a constant ‘beeping’ sound near me; a heart monitor? I began to feel discomfort in my back, my bones made it hard for me to stay in any position for too long. Who knows how long I’d been here. I tried to roll over to my side, but couldn’t find the energy to move. Braving myself, I opened my eyes. I couldn’t remember how I got here. An IV was securely fastened in the crease of my elbow. I felt thirsty; so very thirsty. My lips felt cracked, dry and raw.
A nurse shuffled next to my bed, pulling a machine with her. “This is going to measure your blood pressure” She said. My mind felt out of body, I could hear her, but I wasn’t near. I had to keep blinking to remind myself I was awake.
“Water?” I managed to croak out.
“Sure thing hun, just after this is done.” She strapped something around my arm, the cuff slid down. She replaced it with a “child cuff”. She drummed her fingers on the clipboard she waited for the results, she scribbled them down.
Next came the doctor; he listened to my heart, asked me to do a few, simple, tests. Follow is finger with my eyes, touch my nose, flip my hands; palm side up, palm side down. I couldn’t think, “Water” was all I a said.
The nurse brought me water, she had to help me drink it, I was embarrassed. She walked away from my bed, leaving the curtain slightly open.
“Hello” I heard someone say. I looked over my shoulder and stared at the owner of the voice; a short black haired girl. She was sitting upright on her hospital bed, her arm wrapped in a cast. She had a magazine in her hand, but it was upside down. She continued to speak as my mind became clearer. “You just missed your parents. They tried to wake you up. Maybe you were ignoring them? I wish I had such lovely looking parents to visit me.” I lauged, lovely, maybe, parents, hardly, “What’s funny?”
I shook my head. Had they really driven 4 hours to see me in the hospital?
“Is Maddy short for anything?
“What?” I was thinking to myself. Why was I in the hospital? How did she know my name?
“Your name? Maddy?” she asked again
Does it matter? I thought. I answered anyway. “Madeline”. I shifted onto my back again, I looked at the ceiling, hoping it would end our conversations.
“You were running when you fainted” she answered my thoughts. “I heard the doctor tell your parents, he said you’d be fine.”
I looked at the nurse call button, tempted to push it, but my parents came into view, accompanied by the doctor..
They both walked to the side of my bed. Dad had his arms around Mom, lovingly. I secretly wanted his arms around me, I hated being here, but was too proud to let my guard down.
“Maddy” Mom began, How could you do this to yourself?” This was just like her, always chastising me. Dad pulled her into his sleeve as she began to cry. I heard her say through broken sobs, “gave you everything”, “what did we do wrong”, “thought you were happy.”
“Come home with us” he continued, “We’ll find you a good therapist; we’ll get you the help you need.” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want help. I wanted my parents. I wanted them to try and understand me, for once in my life. I turned away from them.
“Do you have anything you want to say, Madeline?” The third party, ‘neutral’ doctor asked.
“Oh I‘ve got plenty to say.” I said softly, in a sarcastic tone.
“What was that Madeline? We have given you everything you’ve ever needed since you were born.” The guilt trip again. I look at him with cold eyes. “You know we could legally make you go with us” my dad said. I let out a dry laugh. Dad was scared, I could hear it in his voice, and he turned to what? Threats? Was that really going to make me run into their arms? He knew I wouldn’t listen. I didn’t blame either Mom or Dad for my condition. I got defensive, despite that fact, and replied.

“You’re right Dad!” I sat straight up, using all the strength I had in me. His coat fell to the floor.” You’ve given me everything! Mom, Why are you crying? This isn’t about you.” I was yelling.

“Maddy.” Dad said coldy, and defending Mom, as always, “Can’t you see what this is doing to your mother. We don’t even know you anymore, but we want to help you”
“How so Daddy?” I said speaking more loudly. “I don’t need anything. I never needed anything. All I’ve ever wanted from the two of you is love, affection, attention.”

“Well you’ve got our attention now” my mother spat.

“I don’t have a problem.” I yelled. “You two have the problem; always buying your way out of confrontation, Mom. “ I fell back onto my pillow but I kept my voice raised. “You were never around Dad. Never” A nurse rushed over to calm me down.

“She obviously doesn’t need us anymore” my Dad said to my mom. He hugged her, I could see his eyes watering. I heard him say the word, “selfish”, but I knew it wasn’t directed toward me.

“That’s the thing. I do. Or I did. Go away and leave me alone.” My head spun, my vision started to blur. I heard the nurse ask my parents if they would leave so I could calm down a bit.

After a few moments I opened my eyes and looked around. I could see my parents through large windows, talking to the doctor. I was in denial, and fully aware of the fact. I knew I needed help, but I wasn’t about to admit anything to my parents. I looked back over to the short haired girl. She was staring at me again.

“They love you, you know.” She said.
I was upset. Those were not the words I wanted to hear, even though a part of me wanted to believe they were true. “You heard the conversation”
“Yes. I also heard the worry in their voice” I just stared back. “My Dad is the reason I’m in the hospital. Are your parents the reason you are in here?”
“No. I don’t blame them”
“Who do you blame?”
“No one.”
“Do you want help?”
“Be honest. You have the means for getting great treatment. Do you want help?”
“Why do you care?”
“I’m bored, and curious”
“No I don’t need help”
“That’s not what I asked” I was getting upset again. This girl had no right to be asking me any questions! I knew what she was saying though was precicely what I didn’t want to hear. It was the truth. “You can help yourself by wanting help”
“Do you like yourself?” I asked suddenly.
“yes. Don’t you?”
“Never really have.” I answered.
“Well that is where you should start. Start by liking yourself enough to listen to the smart person inside, the person inside that needs the help.”
She was right. I looked back to where my parents were standing. This time I saw Dad crying in Mom’s shoulder. The girl was right, I needed to learn how to like myself. I took a deep breath, pushed the nurse call button. She quickly came to my bed.
“Can you ask my parents to come back” the nurse raised her eyebrows, I added, “Please”
“Promise you won’t yell again?” she asked. I crossed my heart. As she walked over to my parents I looked again at the girl in the bed. She winked at me. Things were going to be okay, I could feel it.