Rough Draft: not yet titled

I gazed into the mirror, a face was looking back at me; hallow cheeks, dark blue eyes somewhat sunken in, and I had to touch my cheek to make sure it was me. A tear began to form in my eye, but I quickly wiped it away. There was no point in crying anymore. I’d done enough the past few months, they’d gotten me no where. My damp wavy hair sent a cold chill as it touched my shoulders; I pulled it up into a high pony tail. I’d never been in love with my hair. I used to straighten it almost everyday, but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d even tried to impress someone.
I returned to my bed, my homework spread on top of my spider-man blanket. Childish? Maybe. It reminded me of home, when I was happer. I’d saved the worst of the homework for last, math; not that I didn’t like it; it just took the most time. I’d done well in all my college classes, continuing my good study habits I lreaned in high school. I sat down and leaned against the wall, pulled my knees to my chest and rested my chin on my knees. I felt lost, completely alone. Things at changed so much.

It started the summer I graduated. I had just gotten a new job at a local clothing store. I was working as many hours as I could, just in case I needed the money when I moved away. I’d gotten a full ride scholarship, it paid for everything. My parents were pleased.
“Madeline you work every weekend” Mark complained one day. Mark had been my boyfriend for two years. “I’ve hardly seen you since you got that job”
“I’m sorry babe, I’m just trying to save money.”
“For what? You know you don’t need to?” I glared at him when he said that. My parents had always helped me, and were willing to pay for college. I was trying to break away from that.
“You know I wish I could” I lied. Mark was a big fan of music, but I didn’t enjoy it quite as much. The thought of going to a concert, sweat, hot, smelling of beer and pot, was not appealing.
Two weeks later I found out Mark was cheating on me. I didn’t even know how to react. My parents had been indifferent toward Mark since we first started dating. Mom didn’t know how to comfort me, she gave me some money and told me to treat myself. I buried my feelings inward and started hitting the gym every night after work. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “He’d come back to me if I was as pretty as her”.
In High School I played volleyball and ran Track. I was always staying busy and active. Yet, since graduating I’d stopped most of my physical activity. I lost my muscle, gained a little weight, but I didn’t really think about it. They day the rumors about Mark started, and then night I confronted him, I was looking in the mirror, crying. It was the first time I really thought I was fat, and worthless. I convinced myself he dumped me because of my looks. What else had I done wrong?

I heard the door open, Mia entered. We smiled at each other.
“Hey how are you?” She said happily.

“Fine.” I said. Mia was gorgeous as always; her long blonde hair softly falling across one of her shoulders. She was more than that though. The best roommate I could have ever asked for, and she’d always been so nice to me. I trusted her more than anyone else.
“Are you sure Maddy? Have you been crying?” She always knew when I had been. “you know you can talk to me.”
“I know, thanks” I asaid as I looked around for my fleece blanket, a cold chill made the hairs on my arms raise up. I anticipated spring and summer weather, it had been a cold winter.

When I moved to college I was so relieved. I got to move to a new apartment and meet new friends. I got along with my roommates, enjoyed my classes. I got a new found attention from boys, something that never happened in high school. I was in the best shape of my life, and felt good about myself. I even ran into a couple of old high school class mates, “you look good Maddy!”
I went home for Thanksgiving, the first time I’d been home since moving away. My parents noted my weightloss, but with no concern. I ran into Mark at the mall during this time, “Wow look at skinny little you. How’s college..”
I just walked away. When I returned back to school I couldn’t get enough of the gym, I wasn’t over Mark. I ate less and less. I was at the lowest weight of my life, but I didn’t realize myself.

I looked around my room, I needed to warm my body up. I pulled on my thermals, leggings, sweatpants, sweater, scarf, hat, layer upon layer. I would probably regret it a few miles into my second run of the day.
“Mia have you seen my gloves?” I asked.
“Is it snowing outside?” She asked after seeing me dressed up. I laughed.
“No I’m going for a run.” She looked worried.
“Here” she handed me her soft black gloves. “Be careful though yeah? “
“Thanks Mia. Hey maybe you can read over my English paper later”
“Of course! Would you like me to make you some dinner?” She knew I’d probably say no, but she continued, “Its just that I haven’t seen you eat lately, and I know that you’ll probably have an easier time studying if you do. I’m not going to forced you..”
“Yes,” She stared at me in disbelief. “You’re right I’ll probably feel better with something in my system”
“What would you like?” She asked timidly.
“Something light, maybe vegetable soup,” 150 calories a cup, I thought to myself, I’d burn enough with this run.
“Okay, see you later! Don’t be gone too long.”

The spring air hit my lungs, so cold, it burned, but I didn’t stop running. I sang a random tune in my head to keep my mind off things. Running was my escape. It reminded me of the night my parents confronted me with my ‘problem’.

It was a few days after Christmas, an odd one at that. I’d been very distant from my parents; going on long walks outside, or reading in my bedroom. They had bought me plenty of nice gifts, I gave them my thanks. I was packing up my things; I’d be going back to school in a couple days when Mom knocked on my door.
“Come in” I said without looking up.
“Maddy,” she hesitated, “Can I talk to you?”
In my mind I thought it was a rather stupid question, my parents were always great at avoiding confrontation. Had a bad hair day? Here is 50 dollars. Lost a volleyball game? Go to a movie, host a party. Got dumped? Here is my credit card, grab a girlfriend, go get food, a new top. They had given me everything I needed, materialistic anyway.
“Sure Mom what is it?” I said shortly.
“Its about, well, your weight.” I finally looked up at her, with a blank stare, I couldn’t believe it, “Do you have a problem?”
“No.” I said defensively. “I’ve just finished my first exams, and a new semester is about to start.”
She cut me off. “You hardly ate this whole break. Don’t think your Dad and I haven’t noticed.”
“So what? You can’t congratulate me on excelling with my grades, but this? You can talk to me about this? What are you going to do? Buy me some weight?” I grabbed my tennis shoes and stormed out of the room. I had very little clothes on, but I ran into the cold winter. I didn’t return until dark. I packed the rest of my things and drove home that night.

I kept running, and thinking about the weeks ahead, I was studying hard as the end drew near. I wouldn’t know until after my final exams, but I was fairly confident in saying I’d aced my first year of college. Yet, I’d found myself even more distant from my parents, my friends, any boys. Anyone who mentioned anything about my weight these days received the cold shoulder. I’d gotten in multiple fights with all of my roommates, except Mia. They just didn’t understand. I kept running. “I will be perfect” I thought over and over again, with each pounding footstep. 85 pounds, but I didn’t see it, I could be thinner, I would be perfect. Something my parents would praise, something a boy would love. I knew nothing more now then to run, study, avoid food, and sleep.
I unexpectedly stumbled on some loose gravel, I caught myself before falling. I gazed ahead, refocus Maddy, what are your goals? My vision started to blur. My heart began erupting in pain, and I felt myself falling down, down, down…

I breathed in faintly, recognizing the smell; clean and sterile. There was a constant ‘beeping’ sound near me; a heart monitor? I began to feel discomfort in my back, my bones made it hard for me to stay in any position for too long. Who knows how long I’d been here. I tried to roll over to my side, but couldn’t find the energy to move. Braving myself, I opened my eyes. I couldn’t remember how I got here. An IV was securely fastened in the crease of my elbow. I felt thirsty; so very thirsty. My lips felt cracked, dry and raw.
A nurse shuffled next to my bed, pulling a machine with her. “This is going to measure your blood pressure” She said. My mind felt out of body, I could hear her, but I wasn’t near. I had to keep blinking to remind myself I was awake.
“Water?” I managed to croak out.
“Sure thing hun, just after this is done.” She strapped something around my arm, the cuff slid down. She replaced it with a “child cuff”. She drummed her fingers on the clipboard she waited for the results, she scribbled them down.
Next came the doctor; he listened to my heart, asked me to do a few, simple, tests. Follow is finger with my eyes, touch my nose, flip my hands; palm side up, palm side down. I couldn’t think, “Water” was all I a said.
The nurse brought me water, she had to help me drink it, I was embarrassed. She walked away from my bed, leaving the curtain slightly open.
“Hello” I heard someone say. I looked over my shoulder and stared at the owner of the voice; a short black haired girl. She was sitting upright on her hospital bed, her arm wrapped in a cast. She had a magazine in her hand, but it was upside down. She continued to speak as my mind became clearer. “You just missed your parents. They tried to wake you up. Maybe you were ignoring them? I wish I had such lovely looking parents to visit me.” I lauged, lovely, maybe, parents, hardly, “What’s funny?”
I shook my head. Had they really driven 4 hours to see me in the hospital?
“Is Maddy short for anything?
“What?” I was thinking to myself. Why was I in the hospital? How did she know my name?
“Your name? Maddy?” she asked again
Does it matter? I thought. I answered anyway. “Madeline”. I shifted onto my back again, I looked at the ceiling, hoping it would end our conversations.
“You were running when you fainted” she answered my thoughts. “I heard the doctor tell your parents, he said you’d be fine.”
I looked at the nurse call button, tempted to push it, but my parents came into view, accompanied by the doctor..
They both walked to the side of my bed. Dad had his arms around Mom, lovingly. I secretly wanted his arms around me, I hated being here, but was too proud to let my guard down.
“Maddy” Mom began, How could you do this to yourself?” This was just like her, always chastising me. Dad pulled her into his sleeve as she began to cry. I heard her say through broken sobs, “gave you everything”, “what did we do wrong”, “thought you were happy.”
“Come home with us” he continued, “We’ll find you a good therapist; we’ll get you the help you need.” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want help. I wanted my parents. I wanted them to try and understand me, for once in my life. I turned away from them.
“Do you have anything you want to say, Madeline?” The third party, ‘neutral’ doctor asked.
“Oh I‘ve got plenty to say.” I said softly, in a sarcastic tone.
“What was that Madeline? We have given you everything you’ve ever needed since you were born.” The guilt trip again. I look at him with cold eyes. “You know we could legally make you go with us” my dad said. I let out a dry laugh. Dad was scared, I could hear it in his voice, and he turned to what? Threats? Was that really going to make me run into their arms? He knew I wouldn’t listen. I didn’t blame either Mom or Dad for my condition. I got defensive, despite that fact, and replied.

“You’re right Dad!” I sat straight up, using all the strength I had in me. His coat fell to the floor.” You’ve given me everything! Mom, Why are you crying? This isn’t about you.” I was yelling.

“Maddy.” Dad said coldy, and defending Mom, as always, “Can’t you see what this is doing to your mother. We don’t even know you anymore, but we want to help you”
“How so Daddy?” I said speaking more loudly. “I don’t need anything. I never needed anything. All I’ve ever wanted from the two of you is love, affection, attention.”

“Well you’ve got our attention now” my mother spat.

“I don’t have a problem.” I yelled. “You two have the problem; always buying your way out of confrontation, Mom. “ I fell back onto my pillow but I kept my voice raised. “You were never around Dad. Never” A nurse rushed over to calm me down.

“She obviously doesn’t need us anymore” my Dad said to my mom. He hugged her, I could see his eyes watering. I heard him say the word, “selfish”, but I knew it wasn’t directed toward me.

“That’s the thing. I do. Or I did. Go away and leave me alone.” My head spun, my vision started to blur. I heard the nurse ask my parents if they would leave so I could calm down a bit.

After a few moments I opened my eyes and looked around. I could see my parents through large windows, talking to the doctor. I was in denial, and fully aware of the fact. I knew I needed help, but I wasn’t about to admit anything to my parents. I looked back over to the short haired girl. She was staring at me again.

“They love you, you know.” She said.
I was upset. Those were not the words I wanted to hear, even though a part of me wanted to believe they were true. “You heard the conversation”
“Yes. I also heard the worry in their voice” I just stared back. “My Dad is the reason I’m in the hospital. Are your parents the reason you are in here?”
“No. I don’t blame them”
“Who do you blame?”
“No one.”
“Do you want help?”
“No”
“Be honest. You have the means for getting great treatment. Do you want help?”
“Why do you care?”
“I’m bored, and curious”
“No I don’t need help”
“That’s not what I asked” I was getting upset again. This girl had no right to be asking me any questions! I knew what she was saying though was precicely what I didn’t want to hear. It was the truth. “You can help yourself by wanting help”
“Do you like yourself?” I asked suddenly.
“yes. Don’t you?”
“Never really have.” I answered.
“Well that is where you should start. Start by liking yourself enough to listen to the smart person inside, the person inside that needs the help.”
She was right. I looked back to where my parents were standing. This time I saw Dad crying in Mom’s shoulder. The girl was right, I needed to learn how to like myself. I took a deep breath, pushed the nurse call button. She quickly came to my bed.
“Can you ask my parents to come back” the nurse raised her eyebrows, I added, “Please”
“Promise you won’t yell again?” she asked. I crossed my heart. As she walked over to my parents I looked again at the girl in the bed. She winked at me. Things were going to be okay, I could feel it.