Assignment for my class. Thought I'd share

I’ve never been deathly allergic of anything, that I know of. When I was younger there was a small part of me that would get jealous over people saying “I’m allergic to nuts” “I’m allergic to dogs”. I could touch dogs, cats, flowers and eat all sorts of nuts. I was playing with two of my best friends one day when we decided to make lunch. Raman Noodles was the lunch of choice, and I didn’t want those. Two out of three votes meant we were going to eat them anyway. I don’t know if I knew the definition of allergic; sensitivity to certain foods or objects, causing reactions such as swelling, puffy eyes, coughing and sneezing. My dad has hay fever. I told my friends Mom that I was allergic to Raman Noodles. She gave me an odd look. On the plus side I didn’t have to eat them.

I’ve always wondered why we as humans crave what we don’t have. A naturally curly haired girl loading on the skinny shampoo and conditioner, adding in the straightening gel before blow drying, flat ironing the beautiful curl, and topping it off with some gloss. Viola! The truth about her curls is hidden, until it rains, or she wakes up late and doesn’t have time to go through the de-curling process. Perfectly healthy young women seek to have the “perfect body”. They put themselves through extreme diets, idolize models and stars. There are neighbors trying to ‘one up’ each other with the newest televisions [HDTV!! I don’t own a t.v.], atvs, boats, cars, wives, children’s success, job success etc. Then there is the young 10 year old girl that just wants to have some type of allergy, to anything!

“Be careful what you wish for”. Why does that phrase hold such a negative connotation? There is a belief that I hold dear to my heart: Karma. I believe that what you wish, hope, dream or desire will eventually come true. If one is consciously making an effort and keeping a good attitude they will become an author [me?], a wife, a mother, a teacher, etc. What about bad Karma? Should we be careful what you wish for?

I was in a very nasty car accident at the beginning of this year. I fell asleep at the wheel while driving on the free way. I drifted off the road, onto the frozen snowy side, and at 60 mph I came to a dead stop when my car hit a dead tree, smack dab in the middle. Even with my seat belt on [back then there was a 50/50 chance I wasn’t wearing one] I sustained multiple head injuries, minor concussion, my leg was jammed, my body was in complete shock. I thank God for a few things, one being angels. If I hadn’t worn my seatbelt I would have surely been extracted through the front windshield and I may have had horrendous injuries or possibly not breathing at all. I also thank him for sending me a few to keep me calm.

I don’t remember much, I barely remember hitting the tree, in the back of my head I recall hands reaching in, talking to me. “What’s your name? What day is it? What hurts more your head, or your knee?” I felt the warm blood on my head, I couldn’t feel my leg. All I remember saying in response was “I’m Cold”. In the hospital I remember being pricked and prodded. “I need water” I said repeatedly, and I was still cold. They had retrieved my phone and asked if they should call anyone. I told them to call Radison. He was a few hours away on a school assignment, but he was the last person I talked to before the accident. I was very coherent at this point, even though I could barely feel anything but an icy chill, and thirst. My parents were too far away. I remember thinking “The burtons. Gideon doesn’t teach today, and Karen has the day off of school”.

I was sufficiently calm, and even aggravated that I hadn’t gotten water, but over all I was managing. Then I saw a familiar face, my best friends Dad came near my bed. Thus began the water works. Karen showed up next, my two sisters and eventually my mom.

Months later when I was talking with my Mom one day (She sometimes still brings it up) she asked “Do you know why you got in your accident? Sometimes we create situations in our lives” Did I wish for this to happen? Was this bad Karma? Payment? A lesson from God? I do believe if we have a negative attitude in life then not too many good things will happen, and I’m sure bad Karma exists. We all carry certain energy, good or bad. Payment for my sins? I doubt it. I think more likely it was a lesson that God wanted to teach me rather than him thinking “Oh she stole that piece of candy, and lied about a food allergy, she is going to get it”. Really though, the truth of it all, can I have a moment of silence before I reveal? It’s JUST LIFE and in life, things happen. I definitely didn’t ‘create’ or wish for a horrific accident in my life, it just happened. Some people blame God when tragedy hits. Or they ask, why me? Why me? Whether God makes certain things happen in life for a reason is up to you. I know he can be there for you. He has often answered my silent prayers. I’ve never blamed him when things such as car accidents or family members get sick. Learn from it, move on, and make life better is what I say.

A good friend of mine lent me a book that was about the basic beliefs of Buddhism. Buddhist believes that everything in life is connected, and therefore there is no beginning, or end. I don’t celebrate birthdays for myself, I celebrate Continuation Days. It makes sense I promise. I was born, physically, in May. If I were to really celebrate my ‘birth’ we would have to go to the day I was first conceived. The line continues however. My parents were physically born and conceived as well. It is all continuous. Everything in life is connected. I use paper, as a writer and lover of notebooks, nearly everyday. There were machines used to make the paper, was the paper recycled? Did someone else once use my new paper as a letter to a friend? A shopping list? A doodle pad? Where did the paper originally come from? How did that tree come about to grow? Did someone plant it? Was it an older tree? The soil nourishes it, the sun and rain helped it to grow. Life is a huge continuation. I don’t think I could live as a Buddhist, but they have great values that I think should be incorporated in everyone’s lives. We all need a little bit of peace in our lives, and Buddhism offers it.

For me Nature has always been a part of me that keeps my sanity. I do my best to appreciate the little things. I love the days when the weather is perfect for jackets. I’m a jacket addict, but that’s beside the point. When the rain softly falls, bringing that clean smell, and the tree’s drip with the moisture. The air itself isn’t cold, and you can actually stand to be outside. Moments like these put my life in a standstill. I could be walking to my car and forced to be in the rain. It’s the rain that calms me; especially on the days I need it. The days when I want to cry, the skies cry for me. When I need to smell something fresh, as opposed to the polluted norm, the enticing smell of rain soothes me. I’m glad I’m not allergic to the rain. There has to be a God up in heaven. I’ve read a few accounts of people who have ‘died’ and experienced heavenly encounters. Most all of them say they either felt a man present, or were greeted by a man. God is male, that’s what I’m trying to say. God also knows us intimately. God knows when I need to smell the rain, or when I need to glance up at the lush green mountains, or the white powdered streets. God knows how to protect me with his angels. God didn’t give me any known allergies. God created us to be who we are, and yet, we still secretly desire what we don’t have. Silly isn’t it? I’m very guilty of it.

I desperately tried my whole high school career to ‘fit in’. I dressed a certain way, only talked to certain people, and always worried that I would never be popular. I am happy to say that I broke out of that near the end of my Senor year. I decided to be myself, dress how I wanted, talk to whomever I pleased, and like whichever boys suited me. I used to blame my low self esteem on high school and the things related; popularity, looks, or cliques. As time has passed I still don’t have the happiest memories of high school. To me it was a place full of low self esteem and put me downs. I thought I’d gotten over it though. The past year my self confidence has yet again been shattered. I’m not trying to be anyone other than myself, and as I search for what is the cause all I have to do is look in the mirror. My insecurities may be somewhat justified, but I blame no one in particular. I try to keep a positive attitude in hopes that eventually my desire to accept myself for who I am will surface.

MJ

Part 3

Last week I lost my job. I would be more worried if I hadn't already paid my rent. I'm worried though, the job market is basically null. I've gone job hunting everyday, smoked everynight. My Mom has been trying to call me the past few days, we haven't talked to each other in months, not since she found out about the drugs. I haven't touched coke since, but man do I crave it at times. Its hard trying to live up to an older sibling. Trish is the perfect daughter. She never gave my parents a moment grief. We're only 3 years apart. I moved out by the time I was 15. Luckily my Mom's sister loved me enough to take me in. I worked hard all year to pass my Gen Eds(which isn't too difficult) and then started some college courses. I had too much fun partying though, and my Aunt got married. So it was back to the parents, sneaking around, getting high. My mom basically kicked me out be the time I was 17.

Seth isn't into hard drugs, which I guess is good for me. He goes to school part times, works full time at a skate shop. I should try and be a little bit more focused with my life, but I'm not. I've never been a huge religious person. I can't deny a Divine being or power, it makes sense that there is a higher energy. One thing I do believe in, is Karma. So maybe since I don't care about really anything with life..life doesn't care about me. Life favored my sister, its not like I strived for attention. What if I tried to start caring about..anything.

I rode my bike over to Seth's apartment. Another day of useless job hunting. With the economy places were never hiring. I felt completely down. I walked into his front room and kicked off his shoes. His roomate, Kyle, was chilling on the sofa.

"Hey Alex. Looking for Seth?" He said, looking me up and down.
"Yeah. I assume he's not home yet?"
"No. Want to hang out until he gets hom?" he looked at me greedily. I had already picked up my pace to his bedroom.
"I think I'll just wait in his room" I walked into Seth's room and closed the door. I found our stash and rolled a J. I heard a knock on the door. "Come in"
"I was going to say, if you ever want, you know, more than the green I'd gladly help." It was tempting
"I don't have money." I said. The pot was making my body tingle.
"I take other forms of payment" he said. I wanted to puke. Kyle was disgusting. I knew exactly what he wanted. I heard the front door open, Seth, thank God.
"Hey baby. Sorry I was late" he said, pushing Kyle to the side and closing the door behind him. "Any luck with a job?"
"No" I said sadly.
"You'll find work. If you need, you can stay here for a bit". That sounded nice, minus Kyle. He kissed me softly on the lips, and soon both of us were yet again tangled in each other. I felt very safe in his arms.
MJ

Part 2

Seth rolls us a joint as his long hair droops in front of his face. Thats what attracted me to him when we first met. We were at the same venue one night, Red, listening to local bands. I watched him as he played with his band. He was so amazing at the guitar. I was outside smoking a cigarette when he came up to me, asking for a lighter. We got along right away.

I'm craving the high. It makes my head stop spinning, I feel weightless, completely happy. I'm just itching to inhale the thick smoke, let it take me to the unkown! Seth has been good to me. We've only been together about a month so we are still getting to know each other.

"Here Alex, you start" he hands me the J. I don't feel guilty taking in a few hits. I actually contributed funds to the bag. We passed it back and forth until it was gone.

It was the weekend, and that meant zero amount of sober time. My stumach grumbled, but I just popped some gum in my mouth, helps with the dry mouth. Seth started kissing me, nearly taking my breath away. His hands found their way under my shirt, exploring all around. His touch was so warm, and also very electrifying. I copied him, tracing the muscles on his chest, abs, hips. We hadn't made love yet, but the thought of being intimate with him made my heart pound wildy. As though it was instinct, I slowly pulled his shirt up over his head. He did the same with me. When our bare skin touched it was though some magnetized energy went between us. Our bodies moved naturally as we wrapped ourselves into each other.

We cuddled close together. I felt beautiful in his strong arms. I didn't want to lose this moment.

"Alex, you have the most beautiful eyes." I felt the butterflies as he kissed my forehead.
"Has anyone ever told you that you have the most amazing body?" I asked him. He chuckled. My stomach growled loudly.
"Are you hungry?"
"Not really." I was used to eating little. My money went to bills, gas, drugs, and sometimes food. I sat up and loaded up a bowl, this was all I needed.





MJ